Why I almost quit writing… [a very honest post]

I almost didn’t write yesterdays blog post because well-my Fresh Start was for April 1st and as you can now see I didn’t write it till April 8th.  I looked back in my journal at April 1st in my Secret Place with the Lord and this is what I wrote, “Jesus.  Not only is it a new week, it is a new month.  I love when the first falls on a Monday.  There is a freshness to it.  A fresh start.  A newness.  A do-over.  Jesus, that is exactly what I am asking for today.  I just feel like I can take a deep breath in you.  Whisper your name and say let’s do this.”  (As I type that out of my journal I feel like I am letting you see a piece of my heart–please be gentle with it.).   I drank deep of this with the Lord and so wanted to share all of this with you…

The reason I didn’t write it for a week is because my Fresh Start got further and further away with each new day last week (and do y’all follow Robert on twitter?  If you do you can see what happened after I posted yesterdays blog post!  Y’all-for real!!!  Sometimes all you can do is laugh!).  The reason I did write it is because it was a promise from the Lord that I feel like He whispered to my heart that I felt like some of you could relate to and I was being disobedient by not sharing it.

With that, here comes a very honest post–back in the fall I felt the prompting from the Lord to jump in with the Nester and do a 31 day blogging series and what the Lord gave me was Isaiah 32:18.  I didn’t make it all the way through the 31 days because life hit, but it did stir something in me.  So much so a couple of months ago I spent time rearranging our blog and changing the name of it from “The McLendon Whereabouts” to “The McLendons” with the subtitle of “and their journey to an Isaiah 32:18 home.”

I did a lot of rearranging of things on the blog–but never once wrote a blogpost once I did it.  The reality of it was I felt like I had to have it all together before I did so.  The same with last week.  I had a fresh start on Monday and lost it all on Tuesday.  The lie that entered into my mind was that I no longer had something to offer or to write about.  I know that is not true, but it’s the fear of man that enters in–that we have to present ourselves as if we have it all together.  I’ll just throw it out there–I do not have it all together at all.  Most of the time I feel like I am the full time wife, full time mother, full time youth pastor that isn’t doing any of these things well.  Or at any given time, doing one of the three things well while the other two are being neglected.  And the one that doesn’t even make it onto the list–house wife–I’m completely horrible in this area.  My house gets a good cleaning when we have company over and let’s just say it’s time for company to come over to kick my butt into gear (I said this was a completely honest post right–it’s going to take everything in me to hit publish on this post and then I’m going to have to walk away and not come back to my computer and hit delete!!).

The beautiful thing is I know my little family is unique.  We are a family in full time ministry.  We are a family in full time grad school.  We are a family in full time two year old BOY toddlerhood.  I feel like we are the opposite of the “normal” (or whatever normal is suppose to be) family.   In the midst of this absolute craziness I do believe the Lord has set me on a journey of discovering what it means to have an Isaiah 32:18 home.  “My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.”  I almost quit writing because my journey is not pretty.  I don’t have it all together….and somewhere along the way I started to believe the lie that I have to have it all together before I could write.  So here we go.  I really do want to write again.  It’s good for me.  I am a writer.  I know I am.  (Thank you Dorie for reminding me that I am.)  The noon deadline every Tuesday for five years in Richmond Hill for my Hill Topper article almost drove me crazy, but now that it is gone, I miss it.

It’s not going to be pretty–but I’m on a journey–1.  to offer my family an Isaiah 32:18 home.  2.  to write again.  I hope you’ll join me….